I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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