Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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