Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
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Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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