We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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