Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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