Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
