remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
