how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
