At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
