Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
worst night to have a conscience
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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