I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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