the condom got lost in my hair
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
