i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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