I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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