awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
