i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
