Too much gin, very little bucket
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
