do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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