I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
