Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
organizing the empties. That sober.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
