remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
