dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
