We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
