mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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