My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
