I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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