Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
