You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
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