I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
