Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
