Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
