Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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