Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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