a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
