we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
