the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
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Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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