i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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