I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
