I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
