At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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