fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You smell like stripper and shame
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
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I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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