Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
