Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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