I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
