Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
