So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
