I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
