he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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