So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
