Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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