Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
