Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
