no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
