I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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